


Tips to Teen Angst, Friendship Maintenance, and the Art of Matchmaking

by 3x3



Series: Help These Painfully Oblivious Souls [2]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, M/M, another way of asking that would be: really how many people are interested in this au, connor is getting so much better now i'm so proud of him, evan's a confused child, friendship needs effort kids, how did this turn into a full thing, jared is the mom friend fight me on this, jared's headspace is a great place to be in, oh and did i mention connor and jared's truce?, question is: am i devoted enough to this series, spot the references is still on yo, time skips all around
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-12
Updated: 2018-02-12
Packaged: 2019-03-17 07:18:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13654173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/3x3/pseuds/3x3
Summary: Jared knows what he's doing.Probably.Well, if all fails he can always shove them into a closet together, right?





	Tips to Teen Angst, Friendship Maintenance, and the Art of Matchmaking

**Author's Note:**

> Followup to my other story How Do Friendships Work Anyway, but can be read without that. I don't know what consistent characterization is ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  
> I honestly have no idea that people would like that last one? There are actually people who asked me to write a sequel? (Kinda twisting shia99's words but WHO'S STOPPING ME FROM WRITING THIS) And that's?? Amazing?  
> Have this!

There are very very few moments in life that Jared could say that he was rendered speechless, with his smart mouth and immediate witty comebacks. He almost always has something to say, be it a snarky comment no one asked for (but received anyway) or a flashy but effective distraction from the actual issues at hand.

He‘s a master of words and language and everything in between.

A trait that he takes great pride in.

But when Evan texts him out of the blue M **y mom asked me to invite Connor over for dinner what do i do**

Well how was he supposed to answer to _that_?

Thankfully it’s a question sent over text and not a verbal conversation so it does more harm to his ego than to his reputation.

He takes a second to reread the question.

Then takes three more to contemplate his wording.

Only after that does he lift his phone and dial the number.

“Say what now?”

“I mean,” Evan’s voice is laced heavily with a sense of helplessness. “What am I supposed to say to him? I’m not even sure if we know each other well enough for that! But my mom really wants to meet him because I never ever make friends and that’s probably my fault oh gosh what do you think my mom feels about all this like _finally_ her son is a little bit less pathetic than he used to be? Jared what if she doesn’t like Connor and decided that I’m not allowed to see him anymore and Connor gets mad at me and goes back being all alone on the bus and everyone just thinks he’s a introverted freak but he’s not he’s not Jared but people don’t know that and it’ll allbemyfault-”

“Breathe, Evan. Before you die of hyperventilation or something.” He scoffs, efficiently cutting off the other boy.

There is a few seconds of loud wheezing noises after that, and Jared waits patiently, paying close attention to Evan’s breathing. When he decides that Evan sounds calm enough, he goes on. “Okay. I’m gonna tackle all that self-questioning you have going on in your rant one by one.”

“...Okay?”

“But I’m going to need you to fill in some of the details to give more of an insight so I would appreciate it if you don’t freak out on me when I ask questions.”

“That’s- uh, fair enough. I guess.”

“First of all. Connor Murphy? _Really_?”

“What is _that_ supposed to mean?” He can tell the other teen is growing defensive by the way his tone tightens.

“Nothing at all.” Jared rolls his eyes. “I’m nosy, but hey, I’m not here to judge. I just didn’t expect you two to literally become _that_ trope. Grade A Good Kid and the Bad Boy? And I always thought the whole ‘opposites attract’ thing is bullshit.”

“What are you- that’s not even-”. No doubt Evan’s face is burning bright red at the moment. Jared has to resist the urge to snicker. “I’ll have you know that Connor actually gets pretty decent grades.”

“With all the classes he’s skipping?” Jared whistles. “This is why I hate smart kids. The last thing I want to talk about is _grades,_ so, moving on.” he pours himself a glass of lemonade idly. It’s either that or plain water. Ever since his mom found out about his little… alcoholic habits, he’d be banned storing any drink of his choice at home. They regularly checked the fridge and his room. And Jared would feel violated, but he had to admit that if they didn’t go as far as this, he would’ve totally been drinking coke right now. But they did, so he’s sipping on powder lemonade. It’s a bit too sour. He makes a face. “You said you don’t know where your relationship is at, and you’re not sure if you’re ready to let him meet the parent, correct?”

“Strange phrasing but yes, that’s basically what I’m worried about.” It’s amazing how he can _hear_ the fidgeting from the other side of the line. “What if he doesn’t- I mean his family is rich, right?”

“Insanely so, yes.”

“Right. And what if Connor takes one look at my apartment and finally realize that he didn’t want to be caught hanging around someone like me? I mean I lived perfectly fine even before he showed up but I don’t know I kinda think we bonded a bit and I’d be upset if he- if we stopped talking to each other…”

“As I recall that wasn’t your initial concern.” Jared smirks. “Or was that a ruse? Is this is actual concerning topic?”

“Let’s not get too deep into my thinking process okay Jared?” there’s a twinge of annoyance in his frantic. “Dr. Sherman’s got that covered…” he adds under his breath. “Just- even if I do ask him about coming over, how would I even phrase it?”

“Just pop the question! Nice and casual. He either accepts it or he rejects it. One thing for sure’s that if you don’t ask, you’ll never know. And if he really does dump you we can always sulk on your couch watching dumb rom-coms and eating ice cream out of the boxes and you can expose to me all his darkest secrets. I’m sure I’ll find some way to profit from that.”

“Jared. I know you think your jokes are funny, but they’re really not. And we’re not dating.”

“Suuuuuure.”

“We’re not!” his friend squawks. “Why are you making this so difficult for me?”

“It’s my duty.” he cackles. “Now go talk to your boyfriend.”

“He’s not my boyfriend.”

“You’re not fooling anyone, dear.”

* * *

 

- _Heyyyyyyyyy howzitgoing with you know who_

- **Jared you can say his name he’s not Voldemort**

- _SHHHHH HE CAN HEAR YOU USING HIS NAME_

- **Did you mean Connor or Voldemort**

_-yes_

- _how’s your date ;))))_

- **Jared my mom’s here too you do realize that right**

- **Anyways I think it’s going pretty good! Mom seems to like him? And he hasn’t commented on the apartment yet**

- _He’s not gonna make fun of your house. Is he gonna subtly try to impress you with HIS hosue though, maybe. He’s trying so hard it’s adorable._

- **Don’t let him catch you saying that or he won’t be so adorable anymore**

_-Ohoho so you DO think he’s adorable ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)_

- **Jared no**

- _( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)_

- **STOP**

_-Isn’t it rude for you to be texting on your date, mr. hansen?_

- **He’s in the bathroom okay?**

- _GO SPY ON HIM THROUGH THE SIDE WINDOW ADN TELL ME HIS SIZE_

- **Goodnight Jared**

- **And we don’t have a side window Jared you know that**

- _Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine_

_-Go get ‘em girl_

* * *

 

The dinner date with tree boy and his mother went well, apparently. One thing led to another and soon the lovebirds were hanging out almost every weekend. Movie dates and trips to some abandoned orchard, ice cream places and libraries. It’s really sweet, actually, and Jared feels like a proud matchmaker.

But obviously, what came with that is the fact that Evan is having less and less time with Jared.

No, Jared doesn’t have a gay crush on Evan. He’s known the guy for way too long, and even though he always jokingly calls Evan his “family friend”, the kid’s like a brother to him. Sorta. One that he hangs out with to make sure his parents pay for his car insurance. Just kidding. But seriously, what kind of parents tells their kid that if he plays nicely with another boy they would pay their kid’s car insurance?

He’s not used to it, that’s all, because Evan has always been there, since they were in diapers. Well, sure they sorta drifted apart somewhere in middle school but gradually walked back into each others’ paths in high school. But even back in middle school, every time Jared asked Evan to do _something_ \- teammates, partners in crime- he would never _not be there._ (It’s just… Jared didn’t turn to him much.)

Jared doesn’t mind. Sure it’s kind of disheartening the first time his invitation for Evan to play as his number two in his video games gets rejected because the boy had already “made plans with Connor, sorry Jared” or something, but he doesn’t mind.

It shouldn’t surprise him though. It really shouldn't hit him with a start when Jared realizes that _of course_ this was going to happen. What else would be expected of a guy going after a crush he doesn’t know he harbored but is there all the same?

And to top it all, it was Jared who pushed him to pursue down this path. So he really has no place to complain.

It's Jared though, and he can find things to complain even when there isn’t any. He can throw up a speech about how Evan should remember who his real friends are.

Except Connor is a much better friend to Evan than he’s ever been. Connor’s patient. He’s more attentive than people give him credit for. He listens to, and _cares about_ Evan’s nerdy tree facts. He never makes fun of Evan’s incapability to form whole sentences at times. Most importantly, he’s always sincere, and the genuineness of it all seeps through his expression, his gestures. And that’s more than anyone could say for Jared.

So Jared doesn’t mind.

He doesn’t, even if he _does_ feel a bit neglected.

Only a little though, but he probably deserves it anyway, and Jared is a self-centered ass so he tells himself that he doesn’t need to care about other people’s businesses. Unless it’s adding chaos to the mess.

Evan _does_ always remember to ask him if he wants to tag along, but to hell if Jared would play the third wheel by his own free will. He’d probably spend the whole night bickering with Connor (it’ll be a miracle if all three of them walks out alive at the end of the night.) and that would undoubtedly upset Evan.

No one likes an upset Evan. It’s the worst thing. It should be illegal. It’s the type of force that could probably align planets or bring a long-dead sycamore back to life or get Hamilton tickets if it would cheer Evan up.

Okay maybe not that last one.

But his point still stands.

Also, Jared doesn’t have a death wish.

He probably does (as his poor life decisions suggest), but not in the sense that he actively haunts down death and begging the grim reaper to take his soul because he is almost positive that’s about as bad as things would go down if he and Connor were ever left alone in the same room.

So even though it means that he gets significantly less time hanging around Evan and making fun of the boy’s lack of ability when it comes to video game controls, he stays out of their way.

Mostly.

He still gets little snippets from Evan.

Partly because he’s the greatest gossip ever, partly because Evan doesn’t have anyone else to talk to and/or seek advice from so naturally Jared is his go-to guy.

Obviously Jared is there for moral support and the merciless obligatory teasing.

He doesn’t get lonely.

He doesn’t.

* * *

 

- **Why can’t you and Connor get along**

- _Oh baby boy don’t you know we go back a looooooooooong history_

- **You do?**

- _well not really_

_-but we’ve well established our mutual distaste for one another since second grade_

- **Okay but seriously what is the cause of this…… mutual distaste**

- _Idk? I think it’s because he learned at that very tender age that baby kleinman was as much of an ass as he is now after i started saying that he threw a printer at mrs. g_

_-when in truth he just dropped the thing while carrying it and mrs. g happened to be in range of the smol kaboom_

_-so of course he snapped at tiny jared and that didn’t do anything good for his reputation_

_-come to think of it i don’t really have a particular issue with him?_

_-and wow_

_-looking back on it that was a shitty thing to do_

_-you think i’m part of what caused him to be how he is now?_

- **Jared**

- **Why in the world did mini you think it was a good idea to go around spreading negative rumors about a kid with personality disorders**

- _one_

_-I was a self-centered prick who couldn't get over myself much less identify personality disorders_

_-two_

_-mini me didn’t have a proper working brain_

_-no wonder connor hates my guts_

- **He doesn’t hate your guts**

- _he hates my guts hansen don’t lie to yourself_

- **Okay maybe he’s not your biggest fan**

_-understatement of the century but okay_

_-idk uhhhh tell him i’m sorry?_

- **Why don’t you tell him that yourself in person**

- _nah thanks i’d like to live up to at least 80 and i don’t want to take any unnecessary risks that might jeopardize my future plans_

- **Connor’s not going to murder you if you’re just trying to make peace**

- _i appreciate your white lie but i’m going to play it safe_

- **Jared please will you at least try not to pick at him every chance you get?**

- _no promises darling_

* * *

 

A typical Jared day usually consisted of him clicking away in first-person shooting games and/or binge watching The Big Bang Theory on TV.

As a certified couch potato, it’s practically his default weekend activities.

A typical Jared day _now_ usually consists of him managing his “treebros” blog.

Yes, that’s right, he runs a blog for his friend and said friend’s budding romance with one of his sworn enemies since grade school. Even going as far as getting them a recognizable ship name. Look how easily he’s ready to look past their rocky past, _that’s_ how supportive and noble Jared is by nature.

At first it’s just because he has nowhere to dump all the information Evan dumped on him, and the tagging system makes it easy for Jared to fish up bits of information from time to time. It’s only expected when he is such a dutiful matchmaker.

But then some people actually started stumbling upon this blog. People started _reading his posts_ , that are usually just rants or complaints about how it’s hard being a matchmaker, and only occasionally actual lengthy records of notable events of the relationship (dates, for example). Then by demand (???) he eventually gets around adding the beginning of the story piece by piece.

He doesn’t know where he gets all his followers but he’s pretty sure people think E & C are made up characters and that TheInsanelyCoolJK’s original story is a pretty good past time because for some reason his popularity keeps growing. Internet people are weird.

(He can enjoy the confusion of the followers he had before he started recording his friend’s love life though. They probably wouldn’t ever be able to understand why a gaming blog suddenly powdered up into a romance novel. Well, to be fair Jared didn’t understand why either.)

So there’s actually a handful of people waiting on his progress reports, occasional asks for updates (it’s not exactly his fault that there’s no new content when the source material doesn’t have anything worth recording now is it?), and an anon who submits a fanfic or two every once in a while, who, he’s 95% sure, is Zoe Murphy in disguise. Her characterizations are way too accurate for some random outsider.

_Heyyyyy any treebros updates this week?_

_OKAY BUT WHEN IS E FINALLY GOING TO PROFESS HIS UNDYING LOVE FOR C I NEED TO KNOWWWW_

_Name reveals? Anytime soon? Or? Ever......?_

_Do C and E have canon names oooooooor are we forever stuck with just their initials? Wait we don’t even have the full initials :(_

_May I humbly suggest C & E to ...idk talk abOUT THEIR FEELINGS THEY’RE SO PAINFULLY OBLIVIOUS UGHHHHHHHHHHH_

Oh how you don’t understand the half of it, sweetheart.

Jared really doesn’t mean to keep his audience hanging, but things are moving painfully slow again for The GaysTM after that update from Evan about how they’d accidentally brushed hands watching Hercules. (And by some really comical chances, happened to occur whilst the song I Won’t Say I’m In Love.)

On the bright side it’s most likely because they just had a Gay AwakeningTM  and are now trying to work out their brand new very strong and very colorful feelings that were there all along, just buried deep deep deep in the closet. Though that might take them a while, and after that it’s probably going to phase into the mutual pining that Jared’s really not looking forward to.

At least he still gets his entertainment via texts with Evan so he’s not really complaining.

His followers… are less fortunate because they don’t get the juicy bits of the sexuality crisis.

He’ll make it up to them as soon as things start to move forward again.

* * *

 

- _why would you even care about touching his finger or not? didn’t you literally cradle his hand in yours once_

- **THAT’S DIFFERENT**

- **He was really distraught then okay? Now I don’t have a reason**

- _you know somehow i have a very very strong feeling that he’s not just gonna suddenly hate you because you touched his pinkie_

_-these speeches are getting old_

_-ya know?_

_-those “he’s not going to suddenly hate you just because-”_

_-he’s held your hand before_

_-he’s still here_

_-i rest my case_

_-_ **But Jared I literally flinched away**

- **Like an IDIOT I mean if I just acted all calm and cool about it instead of making such a big deal about it maybe it would’ve been fine ya know? Maybe he didn’t even notice before I went and ruined that like the anxious freak i am what if he thinks I hate HIM I don’t Jared I really don’t and I don’t want him to get the wrong idea**

- **I mean platonically i like him perfectly fine and i really really really don’t want him to think i hate him**

- _he’s not going to think that_

_-you of all people should know_

_-calm your tits_

_-while i can totally get my mind around some platonic hand-holding i have confidence that this isn’t that by your reaction_

_-what you’re entering is a cute little stage we like to call Denial_

_-_ **What are you even saying Jared**

- _so what if the smoothness of his skin totally surprised you and took you off guard so much you panicked_

_-so what if you kinda really liked your contact and wouldn’t mind actually holding his hands properly again_

_-you’re going to think i’m joking but hansen even you should be able to tell that you’re getting more and more obvious day by day_

- **I don’t understand what you’re implying here**

- _I think you do my sweet little confuzzled bisexual_

_-do whatever you want but keep my words in mind_

_-again he does not hate you and he’s not GOING to hate you_

_-or if he turned out to be as dumb as that I will personally kick his ass don’t you worry_

- _he’s not though_

_-can’t believe i’m vouching for connor murphy_

_-_ **I know**

- **Thanks anyway**

- **Even though I know you can’t fight**

- **It’s the thought that matters : )**

- _GET THAT DEMONIC SMILEY OFF MY INBOX_

 _-_ **: ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))**

- _you have truly been corrupted evan hansen_

_-were did that pure, smiley-free baby child go_

* * *

 

Why Evan is trying so hard to get Jared to make peace with Connor, Jared can’t understand.

Well, he can, because Evan wants everyone to get along, and doesn’t seem to have a full grasp on the concept of mortal enemies.

So yeah he can understand it, he just doesn’t want to follow through with it.

But Evan.

Oh sweet sweet little Evan went and pulled the oldest and dirtiest trick in the book.

 He locked Jared and Connor together in his room.

“Evan you fucking asshole!”

“Evan why would you leave me here with this fucking asshole?!”

“Hey!” Jared shoots the other teen a pointed look. “This asshole is _sensitive_.”

Connor grimaces unapologetically.

“Please, _Evan!_ ” he gives the door a string of frantic knocks. “Get me out of here!”

“You’re not getting out until you make up.” the voice from the other side of the door is small, but firm. “You too, Connor!”

Simultaneous groans ring out.

“Look! You’re more alike than you think. Find common ground, talk it out.” Evan encourages.

“Then can you at least not be listening behind the door?” Connor calls out.

“Yeah, Evan.” Jared can’t help but add, “It’s not like I’m going to suddenly start making out with your boyfriend. Go bake some cookies or something.”

There’s a scandalized choke coming from behind the walls. “Fine. Maybe I will, but you won’t be getting any. And Connor’s not my boyfriend.”

It’s so subtle he would miss it if he blinks, but Jared can see that Connor flinches visibly at that.

The sound of footsteps slowly fade away, and Jared crossed his arms, plopping down on Evan’s swivel chair. He’s been in the house countless times, and it flashes past his mind how well he really knows this small, cozy space: from the faded glow stars sprinkled on the ceilings to the ninja turtle nightlights guarding the room silently. When he looks up again, he sees Connor scowling at him. He raises his eyebrows and gestures to Evan’s unoccupied bed. “So? Are we going to talk it out or what?”

Connor takes a tentative seat reluctantly, folding up the messy covers carefully by an odd reflex. After he settles down properly, he redirects his infamous glare at Jared. “ _Really_?”

Jared throws his hands up in a defeated manner. “Hey. You heard the man. I know Evan doesn’t seem like he has the heart to actually lock us in here until one of us inevitably kills the other, but if you know him like I do, you’d also know that he’s got snake tendencies under all the badger.”

“Right.” Connor doesn’t seem like he completely understands what Jared’s talking about, and he makes a mental note to get Evan to educate Connor on the wonders of the wizarding world if he walks out of this alive.

He pushes it aside for a moment.

“So let’s talk about your nonexistent love-life.” Jared claps his hand together gleefully.

“My _what_ now?”

“Your nonexistent love-life. Grow some functional ears, will ya?”

“You’ve finally lost it, Kleinman.” Connor shakes his head dismissively.

“Listen~” he breathes out. “As much as I’d love to have this huge forgiveness party, I really fear saying something that would fuel your hate for me, thus I’m picking a safer subject. Now what are your plans of wooing that guy?”

“Who said anything about wooing Evan again?” Thank whatever celestial deity watching over Jared’s ass, his potential murderer seems more amused than homicidal, but then again, Jared doesn’t know him that well.

“I did. And if you’re just going to repeat what I’m saying for the rest of the night we’re not getting anywhere.” he pushes his glasses up his nose. It isn’t really necessary, but he likes looking more sophisticated than he actually is.

“So we’re talking about Evan now?”

Jared shrugs. “Common ground. Either this or the printer incident in second grade, which, by the way, I realized recently, was a dick move. And I’m sorry about that. Mini me was a mini jerk.”

“Whoa, is that a genuine apology I hear?”

Jared barks a laugh. “Cherish it. These don’t come around often.”

Connor blinks, then tilts his head thoughtfully. “Okay. Apology accepted, then.”

Jared feels his eyes widen. “Seriously?”

Connor looks almost embarrassed. “I mean, did your little rumor promptly ruin my social life in elementary school? Yeah. Did that rumor stick with me all the way to middle school and ruin my social life for the following three years too? Totally. Did I ever fantasize about wringing your neck? Countless times. But that was the past and I would’ve fucked up my life perfectly fine even without you, so I can’t really hold that against you.”

“Wow. You’re much chiller than I thought you were.”

“My secret to that is to take all the anger out on something else. For example, weed.”

“You are an old wise soul.” Jared comments.

Connor runs a hand through his hair sheepishly, “Right. And uh, sorry for yelling at you afterwards, as well as the torment that followed you throughout your entire life growing up.”

“Whoa, is that a genuine apology I hear?” Jared mimics.

“No, but whatever makes you feel better.” The teen lets his demeanor crumble for just a slim second, but that is a second too long, and Jared, being the ass he is, points and yells, “Holy shit you’re actually smiling! That’s it, here it comes. The end of the world as we know it.”

Connor sighs loudly. “Please refrain from saying anything else along those lines. This conversation is turning too gross.”

“Aww, but Connie~” Jared lets his eyelashes flutter in what he knows is an annoyingly melodramatic way. “Won’t you share a moment with me?”

“Ew. Stop.”

“Connie~ Connie~ Connie bunny~” he sing songs, twirling cheerfully in the swivel chair. “Does Evan ever call you that? Wait nevermind I don’t want to know. Come on! Let loose that hopeless romantic underneath that whole emo thing you have going on.”

“Not for you.” Connor makes a face at him.

“You’re right. I’ll never let you cheat behind my bro’s back.” He stands up and pats Connor’s shoulder approvingly. “Even if it’s with me.”

Connor brushes his hand off uncomfortably. Jared pretends he doesn’t notice.

“So can we finally talk about your nonexistent love-life now?”

He starts to wonder what measures he would truly go for those two.

* * *

 

- **So what did you two really talk about that day?**

- _tsk tsk bad evan. Going behind good ol’ connie’s back and digging from your best friend. Why don’t you go ask your boyfriend eh?_

 _-_ **well you’re my only friend who else am i supposed to go to**

 _-_ **maybe it was a bad idea letting you two cool it off. Now you’re plotting behind my back.**

_-HOw dID yoU FInD OuT_

_-_ **Jared you’re not helping with my anxiety**

_-don’t worry a thing my boy it’s nothing bad I promise_

- **I’m not feeling very reassured but thanks for trying**

* * *

 

Pretending is not hard for him at all.

He used to take drama classes when he was younger, and his teachers all claimed that he “had a gift”.

Too bad his “gift” was never put to any good use. He just used it to hide things from his parents, and to be a convincing emotionless jerk at school.

The second one is easier because he already had the jerk part covered.

For the first time though, he might be using them for good.

Evan’s finally got another friend, (perhaps a _more than friends_ if they played their cards right) and Jared should be happy for him.

He is.

But he’s conflicted too.

No matter how hard he tries he just can’t seem to shake the growing pit of queasiness brewing in his stomach.

He’s not used to it.

He’ll get used to it.

He’ll get used to how Evan isn’t just naturally there all the time. He’ll get used to the fact that when Evan gets upset, he’s no longer the first person Evan turns to anymore. He’ll get used to the feeling that he’s dispensable now.

And it’s an awful awful thought rooting at the back of his mind.

What’s even worse is when Jared finally realizes maybe this whole matchmaking thing is just a result of his own selfishness, of him wanting to be involved, even if it’s just from the sidelines. It’s Jared desperately trying to convince himself that he is needed. It’s Jared violently hoarding attention.

He tries to tell himself that it’s not it. That he just wants to see his one friend- and his one frenemy, be happy.

Then comes the paranoia, that maybe everything is just in his head. He calls himself the master of reading subtext but what if-

* * *

 - **Jared!!**

- **Jared what do I do I think Connor just very very subtly hinted that he likes me**

- **But that’s impossible!!**

- **Look at what you’ve done to me!!**

- **Jared?**

- **Jared are you okay?**

- **Jared you’re worrying me**

- **Please answer**

* * *

 

_Not to sound rude or anything but it’s been forevveeeeeer since the last updateeeeee are you okay_

_As much as I want my daily dose of treebros i hope you’re fine jk_

_heyyy are you still alive? just checking in_

_yo jk you still there_

_update? will you update if we ask nicely?_

Jared closes the tabs on his laptop and throws it aside. It lands softly onto the bed covers soundlessly.

This is not Jared Kleinman. Jared Kleinman doesn’t flop around in his own room being a dumb shit. Jared Kleinman _makes fun of those_ who flop around in their own rooms being dumb shits.

What is wrong with him anyway?

He wishes he can blame it on his period, but sadly he was just not born that way.

* * *

 - _sorry. Had a quick crisis_

 _-_ **What crisis**

- **Are you okay now**

- **Jared don’t you dare go back ignoring me**

- **Jared please I don’t want to go breaking into your house**

- **because that would be wrong and unethical even though i’m technically just trying to help and i don’t have to go to my last resort but if you don’t respond how am i supposed to know if you’re okay or not**

- **you’re going to make fun of how needy i sound i know sorry for that but even if you don’t see me as a real friend you’re kinda a very important part of my life and i need to know that you’re okay**

- **that sounds super selfish i’m sorry i don’t want you to think that i’m doing this to feel better about myself or anything because that’s not what this is about and ashfieuvjnwio**

- **we’re coming over dumbass put your pants on or whatever**

- **also this is connor in case you’re too messed up in the head to notice**

* * *

 

“ _OPEN UP DIPSHIT!!”_

Oh how Jared can recognize that language and the tonal voice with perfect ease, by how surprised he gets every time he hears it because it’s always a bit too scratchy and a bit too boyish than he expects.

_“Connor! What if his - his mom’s home?”_

And obviously how Jared would never not be able to tell that hushed whisper that’s so urgent it almost always sound like it’s on the verge of passing out but never does.

Jared throws the door open before they start break the hinges.

“No my folks aren’t home, no you can’t come in, have a good day gents.” he says, swinging the door back on.

Connor quickly sticks a foot between the door and the frame, effectively disabling Jared’s plan to go back wallowing in his own misery. “Ohhh no you don’t”

“ _Piss off”_ he seethes, suddenly feeling the blood rush up his head. “Let me drown in my self-pity already.”

“Nuh-uh. You’re not allowed to drown in your self-pity. You know why? Because you’re worrying the shit out of Evan here-” he grabs the boy’s hand for emphasis, who immediately flushed red with a yelp. “So you better explain right this fucking instant, and you better believe that we sure as hell aren’t leaving without it.”

“Why do you care?” he narrows his eyes. “You don’t even like me.”

“I don’t.” Connor confirms. “But we both care about _this_ ” he waves Evan’s hand a bit, “idiot right here,” A sourness flickers onto said idiot’s face, and Jared almost laughs despite the circumstances. “So stop being such a numbskull and open the fucking door already.”

He sighs, but slackens his grip. Connor pushes the door open and steps in swiftly. “Thank you for not snapping off my right ankle.” he says, leading Evan gently behind him before letting his hand fall.

Jared doesn’t miss the way both of them notably slumps in disappointment, and just for a split second he thinks maybe it’s not all in his head after all.

“Okay, then.” Connor gives Evan a little shove behind the back. He stumbles, and Connor quickly catches him again. “Sorry.” He apologizes.

Evan gives a half shrug. “It’s fine.” he mumbles.

Connor furrows his brows. “Anyway. Nerds,” he shoots Jared a glance. “Converse.”

“Excuse me?” Jared raises an eyebrow.

“Don’t look at me, I’m just copying Evan’s solution to everything. Be thankful I’m not locking you together anywhere.” he raises an eyebrow right back at Jared, mocking.

“Are you- uh, Connor, you-?” Evan seems to be having a hard time putting together a coherent sentence.

For some reason Connor manages to understand his half-question, and shakes his head. “Nah, Had enough of that sappy shit last time. I’m going to go ransack Kleinman’s fridge.”

Words start tumbling out of Evan’s mouth the moment Connor exits their sight of view. “Uh so I know that we’re not the closest of friends and it’s really really rude of me to just come barging in like who do I even think I am but for some reason Connor is convinced that we- that you and me have somethingstosortout.”

Jared wrinkles his nose. “God I hate talking about feelings.”

“I’m, um I’m not the biggest fan of it either, considering I already do it too much with the therapy going on.” his twiddles his thumb together.

“Honestly though, Evan, there’s not much to talk about between us.” he does a little wave back and forth. “Or is there some huge conspiracy you’re involved in that you’re not telling me?” he gasps in fake horror.

“Well I can be asking you the same question.”

“Got anything in particular in your pretty mind?”

“Uhhh.” Evan drags it out slowly, like he’s still trying to piece his words together. “How about we start with why you’re ignoring my messages.” he flinches, like it’s physically painful for him to ask that question.

Jared stifles a groan, looking up to the ceiling of his living room. It’s not even white, like normal people have. It’s a light light yellow, that’s so light it practically looks white anyway. Which is stupid. He has stupid ceilings. He doesn’t know why the choice was made but he remembered it being his dad’s idea, trying to be humorous or something. It really isn’t, because it’s just stupid and no one notices anyway, except Jared already knows about it and it’s the lamest thing ever.

What’s even stupider is the rant going on in Jared’s brain right now. He doesn’t do this. His brain is usually very slow-paced and clear and never this flighty. Is this what Evan feels like when he’s anxious? Is it like this in Evan’s head all the time? How does the guy stand this much commotion?

He shakes his head to get rid of the scattered thoughts and refocuses his gaze on Evan, who seems like he’s getting caught up with a storm of his own in his mind.

“Okay,” he announces, and Evan snaps out of his little moment. His stare is so earnest and sincere Jared suddenly feels bad for randomly calling back attention when he doesn’t really have a point. Yet.

“Okay,” he says again, mostly to stall time.

There are very very few moments in life that Jared could say that he was rendered speechless, but with the recent frequent occurrences going on he really can’t say he’s quite certain with that anymore.

“Okay?” Evan repeats, like he’s checking in with himself. “Yeah. Okay.”

“Cut it out. We’re not The Fault In Our Stars.”

“Okay.” Evan replies automatically, then cringes when he realizes what he just said. “Sorry.”

“Whatever.”

The silence is getting awkward. Fast.

Jared can’t even recall a time when there’s been an awkward silence he took part in.

“So I might’ve been a little distant lately.” he says finally, taking a seat on the couch, just realizing how ridiculous they looked just standing there. Evan scrambled down beside him. “A little distant? You practically vanished! You didn’t answer my texts and you didn’t come to joint-family dinner night. Mom’s pretty- kinda disappointed. She even asked me if I knew anything was up with you and I had nothing to tell her because you didn’t say anything to me-” he catches himself before he launches off into another tangent. “Yeah.”

“Right. You _do_ realize that I’m allowed to have a life without you right?” That’s gotta sting a little, but Jared’s always firing off words he doesn’t mean, and he never bothered going back redoing everything, so he doesn’t bother. He frowns as Evan’s face fall. “I didn’t mean it like that.” Is all he offers. “You _know_.”

“But what if you think I do and I really don’t?”

He doesn’t answer that, instead, he starts watching Evan tapping rhythms on his knees, finger dancing lightly, soundlessly. Tap tap tap tap tap tappity tap tap tap-tap tap.

“You’ve been picking at your fingernails less.” he says without fully comprehending his own wording.

“Oh.” Evan sits up a little taller, like he’s surprised Jared notices. “It’s um- it’s because Connor says it’s bad for me and that I should stop doing that to myself, and I still do it sometimes- but less. I think.”

“ _Connor_ said that.” he says, mostly to himself. “Of course. Who the fuck else would it be?”

Evan ducks his head. “Is this about...about Connor? How I’m spending more time with him?”

Jared gives him a blank look.

Evan is deliberately averting his gaze. “......right. Um. Sorry. I didn’t know that was- You’re not answering or denying so I’m assuming that’s it. It’s just I didn’t think you wanted me around.”

“Now why would I not want you around?”

He knows perfectly well why Evan would think that. It’s because he never gave him a reason to think otherwise.

“Well, you know not that my feelings are important or anything but most people- they treat their friends a little better than this so I’m _sorry_ for thinking that you didn’t see me as a friend only because you didn’t _act like one_. Sorry our moms are friends? _Sorry you have to put up with me_?”

The tension hangs thickly, hovering over the two boys helplessly, like it doesn’t quite know how to hold itself.

…...

Jared has to admit that he is a bit stunned.

And _that’s_ when he realizes that he’s a _caretaker_. He _likes_ feeling like he’s _helping_ , (even when he’s not doing the best job of it), he _likes_ knowing that he’s working on something.

Which is a horrifying discovery, but for now he’ll trust his guts because his friend needs him, and leave the mental meltdown for later.

“Evan. I don’t _put up_ with people. You know that better than anyone else.” Jared starts, feeling himself ease up as confidence flows back into his words.

“I- what?” Evan looks taken aback, but in a pleasant way.

Jared smiles toothily. “You’re cool. And no, I’m not going to say that again. Ever. And yes, I’m fine. Really.” What’s strange is he _does_ mean that. Maybe his heart needs a little more time for that to sink in but his head is clear now, and who knows all it takes is a little more self-validation? “But maybe don’t forget about your old pal, eh?”

Evan still looks a little unconvinced, but he lets the matter drop. It strikes Jared that this boy really does understand him best. And it’s really impressive how he picks up at the subtle shift of Jared’s expression, and the slight change of his posture, how he holds himself a little bit more relaxed. “Would it help if I make a bigger effort to include you in things?” Evan looks up nervously.

Jared snorts. “Honey I am not babysitting your dates. I trust you to be safe and I don’t want to be anywhere near the action.”

He relishes in the way his friend instantaneously turns pink, and decides that the amount of feeling-talking he’s done in the past few weeks is more than enough to last him another three years.

“But- speaking of Connor…”

Good thing he has absolutely no issues about listening to _other people_ ’s feelings.

Jared’s eyes light up with interest. “Go on, please.”

* * *

 

_Sorry for being inactive lately._

_Worry not, for I, the insanely cool jk brings news!!_  

 

_can i get a drumroll please_

 

_ Not to freak you guys out, but it’s happening. _

_ This is NOT A DRILL _

_ Your favorite gay bois are GOING TO PROM TOGETHER _

* * *

 

“If you want it to go perfectly, remember to not give him any flowers even if it goes against everything romantic tropes have taught you. Injured plants are _not_ going to get you in his good book.”

“Why am I taking your advice again?”

Jared gives an unimpressed look. “I’ve known him for how long now? That’s right, much much longer than you. You need me, pretty boy.”

“You’re still gross.” Connor supplies nonchalantly.

“I’m well-aware, dearie. I’m also aware that I’m a pathetic loser who has nothing better to do than meddle with his friend’s love life. I generous like that. You’re welcome.” he performs a mock half-bow and adjusts Connor’s suit yet again. “Ahh yes. My beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful boy.”

Connor wrinkles his nose.

“Now, Zoe’s written this specific scenario a good handful of times already-”

“Zoe wrote _what_?”

“-on my blog now hush, don’t interrupt.” he frowns disapprovingly. “I know Evan. Just act natural. Be yourself. Stop sweating over yourself. And when the time is right just casually throw out the question. But make sure he knows you’re serious. Do not let him change the subject before he answers the question. Be patient. Wait it out. If he starts panicking it’s okay to hold his hand, but if he pulls away, give him space. Just try to keep calm for both of your sakes okay?”

Connor tugs at his collar unhappily. “I’m choking.”

“Keep that in the bedroom with your door closed, young man. And hopefully with protection.”

If someone had told past-Jared that he would be preparing Connor Murphy for a date with Jared’s best friend, he would laugh in their face then direct them to the nearest mental hospital to get their health condition checked.

But here they are now.

Biggest plot twist of the millennia.

“Why are you here in the first place? You’re Evan’s friend, not mine.”

Jared snaps his fingers. “Precisely, but you see, we’re trying a different tactic here. I’m here because I know almost everything there is to know about your date. Where else are you going to learn these tiny useful tips about your man?”

“But what about Eva-”

“Your beloved little sister is no doubt ratting out all your dirtiest secrets to him so you can rest your mind. He is in good hands. Now let’s run the whole routine one last time before you go running off, and remember, you break that boy’s heart-”

“And you’ll throw me into the fiery pits of Mordor.” Connor rolls his eyes, a little smirk dancing on his lips. “Got it.”

“That’s my boy.” he claps Connor behind the back.

“You know I never pegged you as the mom friend.”

“Someone’s gotta look after the loser,” Jared tells him. “and he doesn’t have that many people around.”

Connor studies him. “You’re an eerily good mom friend. Just really mean. You should be nicer to him. I’m pretty sure he’s still debating with himself on whether the whole _family friend_ thing is a joke or not.”

“He’s _fine_ , plus, it’s kinda fun watching him tiptoe sometimes.” Jared winks at him.

“Changed my mind.” Connor announces, “You’re still the equivalent of a human dirtbag.”

* * *

 - **I don’t think I can do this anymore.**

- _You’re fine. Just remember to breathe._

- **I changed my mind. Come get me this very instant please.**

- _It’s just prom Evan. It’s not the end of your life. And it’s not even that much of a big deal._

- **It’s a HUGE deal because it’s the first time I’m going and Zoe says it’s the first time Connor’s going too and that means neither of us knows what we’re doing what if it gets super awkward and it’s a PROM Jared I can NOT dance at all and there’s going to be all these people please get me out of this before it happens and inevitably ends in disaster**

- _OR you’re going to go and have a good time with Connor because it doesn’t matter where you are as long as you’re together_

_-that sounds gross coming out from my own fingers_

_-but you get the gist_

_-and besides do you really want to stand him up_

_-no you don’t_

_-because that’s a dick move and that’s not you_

_-_ **Fine**

- **But I’m still not dancing**

_-go down some punch baby boy_

* * *

 

A few spiked drinks and flush-faced exchanges later-

Let’s just say Jared’s mission is finally complete.

His phone dings and he takes it out to check the notifications.

- **Jared he doesn’t remember anything that happened last night**

- **On a scale of one to catapulting myself into the sun how much should I be panicking**

......

Or maybe it’s still a quest in progress.

No worries. Jared has a _lot_ of patience.

**Author's Note:**

> if only i can friendship :')))  
> find me on my smol musical sideblog on tumblr @whatbreadshouldiget  
> shoutout to @oh-whalethen on tumblr for being the best??? the most encouraging?? I hope this piece didn't let you down as you can see i have very little self-confidence.  
> (Probably not the last story I'm writing for the series let's see how long it takes me to squeeze out more words.)


End file.
